I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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