Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
