He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
