Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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