I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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