So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
