so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
