I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
