I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
