I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i dont even know how to be here
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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