Do you still have your period?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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