I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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