K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Your face is a jimmy john
it wasn't lemon gatorade
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
