First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
she peed on how many people?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
We need to get me chipped asap
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
