his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize