it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
