just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
