I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
