i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
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