nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
