im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
