she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
