this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
