I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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