shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
