Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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