Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
