ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize