my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
