I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
