he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
