Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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