i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Are my feet made of real feet?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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