I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
