why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
