woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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