I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
