i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
