if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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