OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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