I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
