so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
