i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
