it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
