you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
