Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
