I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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