dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
