I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
