Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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