Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize