It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
