I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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