Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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