I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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