bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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