can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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