so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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