Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
