Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
