1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Just cropdusted the office
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize