And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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