it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
