my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
